The Hand of Paimon

[Togna Bologna]

If my vote counts, then +1

New original faction style as well as original backstory tied to the city, and recent enough other people could actually corroborate aspects of it. 

Wish it had more cult content included in the story, but its probably bc from my perspective most cults don't necessarily promote their ritualistic or ceremonial practices. I am actually really excited for the retainer system to employ its members, I hope it actually works out by maintaining members who actually get paid to work for the organization, and not the other way around

Loads of opportunity, though I think the backstory is likely the weakest link of this application simply bc the community seems to want to actually see the rituals and human sacrifices being mentioned or happening. Thank you everyone thus far for the feedback.

[Geo_Zeus]

5 hours ago, Togna Bologna said:

i'vve personally had other factions do hits for me as well as celanup. There is market out there, you just havent touched it.

With the way things are in the server, you cannot be totally neutral, hence why i'm saying that people won't trust you for that.
 

5 hours ago, Togna Bologna said:

Youre absolutely right on Uniqu rp though the examples I did  give, if they DO exist in the server today, arent being utilized. All we see around town is minges or dudes on park benches. The retainer itself hasnt been done in the server as a COD method for obtaining items FOR the company rather than have them stand around 20 minutes, hire the guy, then say "hey bring us back X amount of $ by this date or else" leaving newer players with ALL of the new information they've gained just to try and execute everything on thier own. Im not by any means saying lets hold thier hands, but it includes them more directly in tasks   Not to mention the proposed "slow-burn" rp where as many places you see or know about have new members who get transferred from other companies, or are old returning players who gaiin membership with no RP or anything like that but are still blessed with management. We aim to combat this by having every single initiate go through the same processes and procedures in order to gauge the initiates skills in order to place them in the correct department. 

There's factions that are currently using a retainer system, trust me man it's not unique.
The whole "working security for 20 minutes" nowadays is literally just shitpost slander dawg, almost nobody does this anymore cause it's in the interest for factions to make the experience interesting for the new guys.
The "slow-burn" rp you're referencing is just how things are in the majority. There is a minority of cases where somebody will get a higher position due to external circumstances but that's a rare occurrence. You can't not have "slow-burn" rp for the pure fact that you gotta trust the person before giving him a bigger cut of the pie so that's literally just how most factions operate.

That being said, props for taking all this in and being involved with it. The majority of the server(besides the retarded trolls) are aching for some diversity. It's just gotta be thought out and done the right way or else it's just gonna be another faction that disappears after 3 months.

[WaffleDevs]

+1 I'd like to at least see how the faction will integrate the 'cult' aspect within the city. It could introduce a different type of rp than just running bricks for the don. 

[ThatBananaGuy23]

-1

[Kewl]

-1

This application seems to be labeled as a cult but I see nothing cult-like about it. Seems to me that this is just another crime family with a cult mask on. Where do the cult aspects show in any of the documents in your application? I don't see any ideology, worshipped supernatural being, or any activities that would even be comparable to that of what comes to mind from the word "cult". Murder for hire and all these other things aren't new, or really cult exclusive. I've seen applications for "cult" factions on these forums before and they usually end up either getting denied or modified into a crime family. While it's certainly abnormal in regards to the organization, I think this would need more cult-like feel in it for it to be something I'd say has a chance of doing good.

Also, I've looked at all your documents and I still have no idea what the name "Paimon" refers to or has to do with anything here. Is that your godly figure? Is that a name you made up because it sounded cool? I've even used ctrl + f to find all instances of the word in all of your documents and it only exists within the title of the organization. Regardless of if it is something you created yourself, or something that already exists, it would be useful to tie that in to activities you have planned out and explain how your "Cult" revolves around that figure.

TLDR: This application reads like if the dark brotherhood didn't care about Sithis anymore but kept the name and became a mafia; -1. If you want to start a cult, develop your ideology further and make it feel like one, not just named like one.

[Fox]

-1 
Lackluster application that doesn't really make sense. IMO you had the chance to do something quite unique and kind of flopped it.
 

PRO

- I see what you're trying to do, and I'll give props where it's due.

- Decent enough RP ideas. Not sure if they'll pan out the way you're expecting though

- Decent enough play time.

 

CON

- Togna Bologna is a dumb name and I can't take it seriously.

- Your backstory is an absolute mess. What are you, a charitable organisation, a cult, a criminal enterprise... your backstory does not explain this at all. There are parts of it that dont make sense, you even spelled your characters name wrong at one point. You also mention 'the home' 11 times and 'the hand' 7 times

- The cult idea is entirely lost. A cult isn't a brotherhood of individuals trying to make a city better, it's a fanatical group which usually has an eccentric leader who controls the people below him, you are not describing this in your backstory. 

- If you're a cult I want to know outright what your rank is, Supreme Leader, Grand Master? this should be absolutely pivotal to your backstory, and how your character rose to that rank and or gave himself the rank.

- I hate this idea of 'we're going to clean up the city by locking up buildings and making sure places are protected, people will consider you a nuisance.

- You call yourself the 'Hand of Paimon' but make no link to what 'Paimon' is?

 

 

IMO (take these suggestions with a pinch of salt.)

- You should really play into the cult idea and really go full hog with it, become fanatics who believe some mad shit, like you (the faction leader) are an actual descendent of God, and the people in your factions are disciples. 

- Whilst I said I hate the 'clean up the city' stuff, I do understand why you included it... IMO you should flip that too and instead of cleaning up the city, be the ones that are causing the damage. 'The Lucchese's are none-believers... we will show them no mercy'. There is no fear in the city anymore, a full blown heel faction of cultists could change that

Edited 5 hours ago by Fox

[Sauerkraut]

I was gonna say everything @Fox said but he beat me to it

[handsome]

4 hours ago, Geo_Zeus said:

The whole "working security for 20 minutes" nowadays is literally just shitpost slander dawg, almost nobody does this anymore cause it's in the interest for factions to make the experience interesting for the new guys.

Lie i just did that the other day